


Hold On

by ISolemlySwear



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Grief, Guilt, Heavy Angst, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), No Suicidal Thoughts, No suicidal ideation, POV Remus Lupin, POV Third Person Limited, Possible Character Death, R/S Romance Fest 2021, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, These are just Remus' thoughts, Tragedy, aftermath of suicide, but still, in third person, kind of but in modern days, or attempted suicide, tw suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29100645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ISolemlySwear/pseuds/ISolemlySwear
Summary: Hold on, I still want youCome back, I still need youLet me take your hand, I'll make it rightI swear to love you all my lifeHold on, I still need you- Chord Overstreet, "Hold On".
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14
Collections: R/S Romance Fest





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my wonderful, amazing beta Book_Fairy!

“I loved you, Moony, don’t you ever forget that alright? I- I know I fucked up but- I loved you, and you need to know that. You… You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I- I didn’t deserve you, I wasn’t good enough for you, but… but the time I had with you? It was the happiest I’ve ever been and- You were everything to me. I loved you _so much-_ Don’t you ever forget that.”

Sirius’ voice is obscenely calm. Calmer than Remus had ever heard it. An electronic chime signaling the end of the voice message reverberates over the silent room and-

_Oh God_

Remus wants more than he’s ever wanted anything in the world for those not to be the last words Sirius ever says to him.

And yet-

And yet, there’s this part of him, this broken, rotten corner of his heart that just _knows_ , that _knew_ the moment he heard Sirius talk about himself in the past tense.

“No, please, Sirius, don’t, _please_ -” He hears his own broken sobs, his desperate begging, and feels strangely detached from it all.

_I should have told him I love him_.

But he didn’t. His entire world was ripped from under his feet and all he could think to say was “Please call me back, I- I need-” a sob, “I need to hear your voice, please Pads, I need to hear your voice.”

He didn’t beg him to stay. _Why didn’t he beg him to stay?_

Maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference. Maybe Sirius didn’t even listen to the message, maybe he was already-

_I hate you!_

Remus can hear the echo of his voice now, and how can he think he wouldn’t have made a difference when he- he was the one who’d said that, he was the one who’d- he was the reason.

He could see himself now, the ghost of an argument hanging in this same room, latching onto these walls just like Sirius’ blood. It was because of the prank. He’d been so angry, he’d- He’d come all the way to Sirius’ apartment - _this was your apartment once too_ , a voice at the back of his head reminds him, _your home_ \- just to yell at him, to tell him to back off, to stop apologizing because-

“I don’t ever want to see you again!” The words had flown out of his mouth like punches. _Why had he said that?_

It’s not true. He… Remus doesn’t know who he is without Sirius, can’t even imagine-

_I still need you._

The door’s broken. He can see it from here, hanging off the hinges, but he doesn’t remember doing that, doesn’t remember anything except for a flurry of panic and cold, unanswered calls and Sirius’ voice in past tense and then-

His body; pale, motionless against the bathroom floor, angry red over cracked white. That is one thing Remus will never forget.

Remus’ hands are still red now, stained, Sirius’ blood stuck under his fingernails like dirt.

“Please don’t leave me!” He’d screamed, begged, shaking hands scrambling to stop the blood, to touch his face, to wake him up, to get him up, to save him.

The same words Sirius had said when Remus had walked out.

They hadn’t let him in.

“Are you family?” A nurse had asked, a nurse with black hair like Sirius’.

“I’m his boyfriend,” Remus didn’t know where he’d found his voice.

_No, you’re not_ , he tells himself now. _You threw him out like trash._

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to get his family.”

He’d called James, he thinks. He doesn’t remember that conversation, either, doesn’t remember a lot of things from last night.

He remembers Sirius laying on a table, a cold metal table like the kind where you put an object, not a person, not _Sirius_. He remembers bright spotlights making the vivid red stand out, a limp hand hanging over the void, rough hands holding him back.

“SIRIUS!” He’d fought, he’d fought for him now (if only he’d done it sooner). “SIRIUS!”

_He’s got a pulse_

Those five words were all that held Remus together in that moment, the only thing he cared about anymore.

_He’s got a pulse_

But then they’d taken him away, they’d taken Sirius and Remus was alone, lost, caught in a nightmare he couldn’t escape from.

Somehow, he’d made it back to the apartment, to Sirius’ blood on the walls, to the life Remus had thrown away. And he’d broken everything in sight.

There’s a picture of them, staring back at him from behind broken glass, Sirius’s face shining with glitter, his hair pulled back in a bun, as he throws himself over Remus’ shoulder in a summer afternoon when they’d been happy.

_The time I had with you? It was the happiest I’ve ever been._

Remus prayed then. He’d never prayed before, he didn’t believe in God, but today-

Please

_He’s got a pulse_

Hold on, Sirius, please

**_Please_ **

“SIRIUS!”

“Stay-” Remus whispers into the void. He didn’t ask him before, but he asks him now. “Stay. Sirius, stay, hold on, I-'' tears blur the image of Sirius’ glittered smile, “I still want you.” Sirius’ body on the bathroom floor is the only thing left behind Remus’ eyelids. “Come bac-” his voice breaks, “I still need you.” Sirius isn’t there to hear it.

He’ll never know.

_I loved you_

Past tense

“I love you too.”


End file.
